*Insert Fake Celebration and Reason to Eat Sh*tty Food*



I've worked in my current office for just over a year, and I honestly don't think I could count on both hands the number of fake *ss celebrations we've had. Bosses Day, Secretaries Day, Function Happy Hour(s), Holiday Parties, Retirement Parties, Service Anniversaries... I could go on, but I'll spare you all the agony.


If I had to make an estimate, I would venture to say that we have some sort of "celebration" in my office, twice a month. We order from the same place, every time; Bread Company. We always get the same assortment of bagels, scones, cookies, muffins, etc. And what bagel isn't paired with some cream cheese? My favorite is the honey walnut, because I'm #BasicAF. Today, we celebrated Bosses Day. We ordered, no sh*t, two dozen bagels, THREE pastry rings, two dozen scones, had someone bring in fruit (you know, for the health conscious [me]), five different types of cream cheese (they didn't forget to order the Reduced Fat, and Light versions) and some fruit juices. One of the assistants put out a table cloth, flowers, balloons, a whole bunch of sh*t... it looked nice, for an office party. The thing about parties like this, no one actually sticks around... they grab their bagels, say "Thank you" to the assistants for putting everything together, and then shuffle their way back to their offices, and mindlessly eat their whole wheat bagel, with blueberry cream cheese. *Side note- it was my idea to order the whole wheat bagels.. and someone goes "Do people really like those?" k.


I often send snap chats of all of the treats in our office, or emails that read "Cake in the Kitchen" to my friends, with the caption "This place wants me to be obese" - because it does! It isn't enough that we're forced to sit on our butt's all day, 5 days a week; but people think that by adding some sugar, we won't feel so bad about being there. Corporate America is the worst.


We also order in for lunch, all the damn time! Any time there is a big meeting, that goes over the lunch hour, we have food catered in. And that's fair. We don't need famished attorneys roaming around, getting cranky. But again, we order from Bread Co., or PW Pizza (which is BOMB btw..), or wherever else we can think of. There is generally a salad that is ordered along with whatever we get, but that is always loaded with dressing.


I will NEVER forget when I first started this job. I was replacing this lady who was retiring. I trained with her for about a month before her last day. It didn't take me long to catch on, that literally every f*cking morning, she would waltz in with a chocolate long john and some type of soda or tea, from the QT up the road. I mean, EVERY MORNING. This, apparently, was her *thing* (insert eye-roll emoji) Anyway- for her last day, her friends brought in 3 DOZEN chocolate long johns. Jesus Christ. It was so annoying. What was even worse, they put all of them AT MY DESK. Right in my face. All damn day. I couldn't wait for home girl to bounce.


Now- to say that I've avoided all temptation over the past year, would be a lie. I've given in several times #yolo... I've gone back for seconds. I did not give a f*ck. But, I've also done this in moderation. I think that's key. We can't all be perfect, all the time... I have to remind myself what my ultimate goals are. But I'm also that typical person, who tells themselves "I've already blown my diet today, may as well just keep it up" and then I go order a pizza.


Also- people have no clue what they're putting in their bodies. like ever. This lady at work tried telling me that I should put whipped cream on my fruit, this morning, because its the "lite" version. When I said "I'll pass" she came back with the same thing "But I got the 'lite' version!" ... so, In my super passive aggressive demeanor that is Jessica, I picked up the container of 'lite' whipped cream, and started reading the ingredients... "Corn syrup is the second ingredient!" SUGAR. The second ingredient was sugar. People don't get that when something says "lite" or "fat free" it means that something has been replaced, with sugar! Which, your body turns to fat!


Avoiding the nightmare that is the kitchen in your office, is sometimes impossible, but keeping your overall goal in mind, makes it a little bit easier. I also find comfort knowing that I'm not the only person who struggles with this. There will ALWAYS be a fake *ss reason to have treats and goodies constantly on deck. You just gotta keep your eye on the prize. Whether the 'prize' be posting a transformation selfie (this is my favorite move*), being bikini ready at any time, or just feeling better about yourself.


Also- feel free to do what I do whenever there is sh*tty food in your office: COMPLAIN. I've found that not only will this help you hold yourself accountable... but if the people you work with see you getting down with that donut, they're going to call your b*tch *ss out, in front of EVERYONE.

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